The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number."
A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this – have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
The man replied, "Yes, I have. I’ve been divorced three times, I bought a Pajero once and I voted for Kevin Rudd."
Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan.
Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! They help him out and call an ambulance and in a medical miracle he lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"
Just thought I’d share a delightful little adage I just saw on The ABC show with Stephen Fry on the program "QI"
"Friendship is like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it’s warmth"
To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off.
"How do I stop?" he yelled.
"Bet on it!" I hollered back.
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?
The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife’s here with his lunch"
"I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Whereas I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, dirty, and sacrilegious." –George Carlin
My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.
She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."
Two Irishmen making a letter bomb
Paddy – Do you think I’ve put enough explosives in?
Mick – Dunno open it and see.
Paddy – But it will explode.
Mick – Don’t be dumb Paddy it’s not addressed to you.
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
I was really annoyed when I lost out on winning the pub Trivia quiz by one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently it’s Africa .
The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" "A Fottle", I said. "What else do you have?" "A folding carton." "What do you call it?" "A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It whined.
Q: Why was the queen’s room flooded?
A: Because she’s reigned for many years!
Q: What kind of dog can tell time?
A: A watchdog.
Q: What do you call a fish that can communicate in binary?
A: A Data Bass.