Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They stop in front of Flaherty’s house still singing.
After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, "Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else!"
"Are you Mrs. Flaherty?" asks one of the drunks.
"You know dam well I am," she says.
"Well, can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"
Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!!
"A new study from the Centers for Disease Control says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse — only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube." -Jimmy Fallon
"It was on this day that Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by members of the senate, ironically, while pleading for healthcare." -Jay Leno
Recently a young woman came into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven’t had any problem.
This is Benjamin and this is Elizabeth."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
Ron’s Arab sheik story reminded me of an incident during my 1988-90 stint in the Infant Department of an English-medium school in Kuwait just prior to the Iraqi invasion. One of my far-too-young pupils was rebelling vociferously at having to come to prep grade. His father, at parent/teacher interview, confided to me that he had offered to take the child to Paris for a holiday if he would just agree to come to school without fuss!
By the end of the interview I had persuaded the parents to take the child out of school for the rest of the year and try again when he was old enough to cope with the reality of school. Phew!
Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days! 61 days!"
The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"
One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-to-6 years!"
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.’ Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’
Q: What has eight legs and goes up and down?
A: A spider in an elevator!
Q: Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness?
A: He wanted to get the story straight.
Q: What do you call six stones with electric guitars?
A: A rock group.
Q: Why did the polar bears go to the South Pole?
A: To visit their Aunt Arctica!
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?"
the man asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone…….."
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you."
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home, and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!"