My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
An Arab Sheikh’s son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I’m a bit ashamed to arrive to school in my gold Mercedes when all my friends arrive by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a million dollar cheque saying: "Stop embarrassing us any more, go and get yourself a train too"
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself." –Johnny Carson
Two skeletons used by the professor of anatomy found themselves stowed away in a dusty closet. After several weeks of boredom one turned to the other and asked, "What are we doing shut up in here anyway?"
"Got me," admitted his companion. "If we had any guts we’d bust out of here."
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’
When a toothpaste company got into trouble because of the amount of fluoride that their product contained, they decided to hold an open house at their factory to reduce public concern. Unfortunately, one of the touring groups accidentally became locked in the refrigerated storeroom, where they all died.
The following day, the local newspaper headline exclaimed, "Tooth Company Freeze a Crowd."
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’
she replied, ‘now just rest and let the poison work.’
A bloke is wandering through the desert. Deprived of water for many days on end, he is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he stumbles across three market stalls set up in the middle of the sandy dunes.
He crawls up to the first stall. "Water, water! Please give me water!" He begs.
"I’m sorry," says the first stallholder, "I sell nothing but jelly and custard."
The bloke crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water!
Give me water!" He cries.
"I’m sorry," says the second stallholder, "I sell nothing but cream and sponge."
The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water!
Please, please! Give me water!" He yells.
"I’m so sorry," says the third stallholder, "I sell nothing but hundreds and thousands."
"I can’t believe none of you has any water," gasps the bloke.
"I know," says the third stallholder, "it is a trifle bazaar."
As we were preparing for communion I explained to my son the symbolism of the bread and wine as the body and blood of Christ. In the Uniting Church the wine is served in individual thimble sized glasses brought around on a tray.
Having returned to our seats after our communion my son noticed someone walking from the church kitchen with another tray of wine prepared for those still waiting for communion. At the top of his voice he says: "Gee they must have a lot of blood out in the kitchen!"
Various sayings over the years.
- Nobody yet as ever started a serious fight while he was laughing.
- The door to happiness opens outwards.
- The first duty of love is to listen.
- Every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
- Make peace with ourselves.
- A man is never so tall as when he stoops to help a child.
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again..
I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old…
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful rats should remember….fairies are female..
"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." – George Clemenceau,
1841-1921
Q: What would you name a dog with no legs?
A: Marlboro since, every nite, you have to take him out for a drag!
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up and tree and act like a nut!
Q: What’s the difference between the Sun & a loaf of bread?
A: One rises from the East & the other from yeast!