While getting dressed one morning, I decided I’d been spending too much time on my computer: I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.
From Gregory Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days… "When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t’corner shop wi’ a shilling, and I’d come back wi’ five pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’ bread, three pints o’ milk, a pound o’ cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alf a dozen eggs.
Yer can’t do that now. Too many bloody security cameras."
I was in a lift the other day when an old man told me this joke:
How do you get a delightful, kind old lady of eighty to say the "F" word.
Well, you sit her next to another delightful kind old lady who shouts "Bingo".
Some years back we had to get a young female PA to change her response to people who phoned her looking for her boss.
At the time her response was ‘Sorry, he is on the floor beneath me!. We thought a reply of. ‘He now works on a different level’ may have save some confusion and amusement.
After buying her kids a pet rabbit, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that rabbit would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?"
After a moment, her 5-year-old son replied quizzically, "Er…. Once?"
A fisherman’s wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me ma’am but I need to speak to your husband.
Can you tell me where he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed
was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
True story
My 7-yr old grandson, Bradley, rang me the other day to say that he’d finished his first 12 months of piano lessons and proudly announced that he had completed three books. I told him that our accompanist is a very good pianist and that I would introduce Bradley to her next time he visited me.
(She’s had eight years of lessons and many years of
performance.) "Awesome," said Bradley. "Has she done three books?"
Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What’s this?" she asked.
"It’s a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It’s for holding up stockings."
"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we’ll use it next Christmas Eve."
I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first. — Robert G. Lee
When a woman requested a whole roaster at the market where I work, the butcher didn’t let on that the bird he presented her was the last one. "Do you have one that’s a little larger?" she asked.
"Of course," said the butcher. He took the roaster behind the counter, away from view, and made a lot of noise rolling it around the ice as if he were searching for just the right chicken. He then showed the same bird to her.
"Better," she said. "Do you have one with a little more meat on it?"
He took the chicken, rolled it in the ice and offered it up a third time.
"Great," the woman said. "I’ll take all three."
Two blondes landed at the airport and caught a cab.
"Where are you off to," asked the cabbie.
"San Josie," one replied.
The cabbie corrected her pronunciation telling her that the "J" made an "H" sound.
As time went by he asked how long they would be vacationing.
The one blonde replied, "For all of Hune and Huly."
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I’ll tell you what,"
he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."