A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Fosters and it’s half the price.’
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ ‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever. The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
Some quips & quotes of famous people
- If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already? – – – Cynthia Heimel
- Americans always try to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else. – – – Winston Churchill
- She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. – – – Will Rogers
- He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. – – – George Bernard Shaw
- I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up. – – – Groucho Marx
The woman knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned.” “What is it, child?”
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at her and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin–it’s a mistake.”
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. “C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit”. Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…”
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I rearry sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to make love to me. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. . . You got nice house!”
I was visiting my grandsons father in Hospital recently and grandson (5) insisted that we use the stairs to get to dads ward. I told him that it was on the 7th floor and we should take the lift. “No granddad “ he said. So I thought, ok, lets go (I’m 66). We set off and counted down the flights till we finally reached the 7th floor. “ Whew, I’m puffed “ I said to him, to which he replied “my legs are puffed” You got to love it don’t you, you can see us in your minds eye exactly how we looked.
Definitions By Mom
- AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained vegetables.
- APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
- BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
- BECAUSE: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
- BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
- DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
- DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
- DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”
- EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
- ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
- FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”
- GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.
- HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
- JUNK: Dad’s stuff.
- KISS: Mom medicine.
- MAYBE: No.
- OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
- OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.
Guy arrives home very much the worse for wear…”Where have you been?” asks his wife…”I’ve been at the opening of the new pub” slurs the hubby “The doors are gold, the bar is all gold even the urinals are gold”…the wife puts him to bed but can’t believe his story so next day rings the new pub…
” Is it true that the doors are gold and the bar is all gold ?”…”Yes madam they’re covered in 24ct gold”…”and is it true that your urinals are gold?” asks the wife…there is a long pause then she hears the guy at the end of the phone call out ” Harry, I’ve got a lead on who peeed in your saxophone last night “
Two football players are taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not be allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _____.”
The first player is stumped. He has no idea of the answer, but he knows he has to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor was not watching, he taps his fellow player on the shoulder: “Pssst, what is the answer to the last question?”
The other football player laughs. After making sure the professor had not noticed he whispers back: “You are so stupid. Everyone knows Old Macdonald had a farm.”
“Oh yeah,” says the first player, “I remember now.” He picks up his No. 2 pencil and starts to write the answer in the blank — but then he stopped. “Hey,” he whispers, “how do you spell farm?”
“Geez, you really are dumb,” whispers back the other player. That is so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a broth*l outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. ‘But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, ‘I’m not hornie . . . . …. I’m homesick.