Last night my grandson, who is 13, asked me if I knew anyone who was in World War II. I told him that the first one that sprung to my mind was my Dad. He then asked me if he came out of it alive!!!
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. “I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”
Bring a newborn on a plane, and you get “The Look.” Not one of “Oh, what a cute baby.” It’s more “Please, God, don’t let that mom sit next to me.” So when our baby began to wail just after takeoff, you could have cut the tension with a Tickle Me Elmo doll. Was my wife rattled? Not at all. She lullabied our daughter with, “I’m teething, on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be calm again.”
A fisherman’s wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, “Excuse me ma’am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where he is?”
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. “Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends.”
Wine DOES NOT make you FAT
it makes you LEAN… . .
against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
- “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
- “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
- “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
- “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
- “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
- “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
- “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
- “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
- “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
- “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
- “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
- “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31st December 2009 .
From this date, the correct terminology will be: ‘Euronating’.
Thank you for your attention.
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone br-*st feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.’
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.”
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
We all fail sometimes. But there’s something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless – and inventive – of students.
- Question: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin
- Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death?
Answer: Suspicious ones
- Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie
- Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death
- Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television
- Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
- Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
- Question: What does the term “lava” mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar
- Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
- Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse
- Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.
I decided to buy an outfit for my girlfriend this weekend. I went to the mall and found a really cool twin set in this one store, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember what size she is.
I looked around and luckily saw another customer in the store who was built pretty much like my girlfriend. So I went up to the person and said, “Excuse me, sir, but what size are you?”