The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A Wee Scottish Tale.

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts: ‘Dinnae drink tha waater! Et’s foo ae coo’s shite an pish!’

The man replies: ‘My Good fellow, I’m from England. Could you repeat that in English for me?’

The keeper replies:

‘I said, use two hands – you spill less that way!!!

I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides…."stalker" is such an ugly word.

"The FDA — the Food and Drug Administration — has set up a new procedure by which new drugs will be tested and approved in four years. It’s called college." –Craig Ferguson

This was a one-liner from an infection control team bulletin " perhaps one day laughter will be the only infectious thing in our lives"

I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.

"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son’s eyes. "He shouldn’t see this."

"It’s okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it’s the Food Network."

My mother and I were having a mother-daughter talk about the qualities to look for in a husband. She stressed that husband and wife should be as much alike as possible in interests and backgrounds. I brought up the point that opposites often attract.

“Diane,” she said emphatically, “just being man and woman is opposite enough.”

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things, saying boldly, "After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you’ll love the third one like it’s your own!"

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Paddy noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Paddy watched, with interest, the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Paddy made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Paddy collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest again blessed a horse. Paddy bet big on it, and it won. Paddy was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Paddy was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Paddy also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Paddy knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Paddy, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, ‘Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I’ve lost every cent of my savings – all of it!’.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. ‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.’

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counsellor, let’s do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6 Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn’t 1. Think you can get me off?

"Dating two sisters is a pretty hard task, especially when they both live in the same convent." –Derek Winsworth

My daughter Miranda works in a lingerie shop, and one evening a young man came in and asked for a job application. After he asked a few questions, Miranda explained the rules for male employees. "You can only work behind the cash register or in the stockroom," she said.

"You can’t wait on customers, or go into the changing areas. "By the way," she added, "most of our customers don’t look like the models in the ads, but more like your mother." With that, the young man tossed the application on the counter and walked out the door.

Q. What is white and smells like blue paint?
A. “White paint”

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother’s Day." -Paul Clay

Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu- ment.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn’t you?"

"That’s right," he called back, "two pints."