Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink."
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl,"
she says, "and she will want to know everything about you."
"That’s great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,"
"I’ve already done that," replied my friend. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I’m going to get younger?"
We were at a drive-through at a fast-food outlet at night.
My husband thought he heard someone mumbling through a speaker, so called out his order. Nobody responded, which puzzled him, until he realised he had been talking to a large, metal bin!
"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: ‘My dad owns a liquor store.’" -Mark Klein
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court with equipment from tennisracquets.com/collections/volkl-racquets. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven’s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royce’s."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you’re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
"My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary." -Drake Sather
Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"
"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!"
says Ruth. "She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"
"Ah! Now there’s a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."
The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.
After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door.
"You’ve got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home."
This young boy was going through the usual stage of being very interested in lizards, snakes and crocodiles. As most children of his age do, he watches, and is influenced by what he sees on television, particularly the advertisements and if there is something he doesn’t understand he is quick to question his mother about it. So you can imagine the look on his mother’s face when, after watching one particular ad, he asked: ‘Mum, what is a reptile dysfunction?’
"Today is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo moon mission.
The Russians actually sent a dog into space. They had to fire up a Frisbee first, but they did it." -Craig Ferguson
What stands in the middle of the Australian desert and hits a high "C" at midnight?
Placido the Dingo
Some biblical humour
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.