A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ The father replied, ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
As a young vet student I told a client that his valuable show dog had been ‘euthanased’ for surgery, when I meant to say anaethetised! The poor guy thought we had put his dog to sleep permanently rather than temporarily, and demanded to see it immediately – once he saw it was still breathing, he saw the funny side!!
Aussie political joke
Rudd , Gillard and Swan are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling,
‘You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy .’
Gillard shrugs and replies, ‘Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.’
Not to be outdone, Swan says, ‘Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.’
The pilot eyes his co-pilot, ‘Such arrogant jerks. , I could throw all three of them out the window and make 21 million people happy.’
And a politically incorrect one
A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.
“Yes?”, asks St. Peter.
“I am here for Jesus”, says the Pakistani.
St Peter turns around and shouts, “Jesus, your taxi’s here”
“One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us in the car. We were through there in no time.” –Geechy Guy
Two Kiwis talking.
Hey Bro, what’s a Hindu.
Lays eggs Bro
Mixed metaphors from student papers?
- “He swept the rug under the carpet.”
- “She’s burning the midnight oil at both ends.”
- “It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire.”
- “It’s time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard.”
- “She’s robbing Peter to pay the piper.”
- “He’s up a tree without a paddle.”
- “Keep your ear to the grindstone.”
- “Sometimes you’ve gotta stick your neck out on a limb.”
- “Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter.”
Our version of the saying was: ‘I have had an elegant sufficienty of every delicacy and if I had any more it would go flippety floppety inside of me.’
True story
I was about to walk down an alley way when I noticed a car entering from the other end. Realising that if I walked down the alley way there was a chance I might get hit by the car, I waited for the vehicle to pass. Just as the car went past, the elderly driver wound down his window and with a great big toothy grin shouts at me “Chicken!!” I’m still laughing about it now.
Woman opens the door and is greeted by her husband. “Hello Hinge” “Why are you calling me Hinge?” ” ‘Cos I adore you”
Husband greets wife, “Good morning Harvey Norman” “Why are you calling me Harvey Norman?” “No interest for 6 months”.
A groaner
Jimmy: ‘Hey, Mike! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.’
Mike: ‘To tell the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.’
Jimmy: ‘What? Let me get this straight… You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?’
Mike: ‘Well, yeah. After all, you know, he’s a parrot fish.’
Jimmy: ‘Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.’
Mike: ‘That’s what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he’s terribly off-key and it’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?’
“A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, ‘Wait a minute ? isn’t that every woman?'” -Dave Letterman
If you insinuate that I should tolerate any more of your diabolical phraseology, I shall have to horizontalise your perpendicularity!! (In other words, “Shut up, or I’ll have to flatten you”!!)
Food For Thought “I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” —Demetri Martin
Doug asks, “I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?”
Bill says, “I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I’ll say, “Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember…I don’t mind going back to prison.”