I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"
"Morning Sickness."
Paddy asks Murphy "Murphy, why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Says Murphy " You bloody pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the damn boat"!!!
Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.
Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’
Ian says to his pal, ‘ Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’
‘No worries, smiled Craig, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’
They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’
The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand , aren’t you?’
‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’
The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.
Don’t know if this is just a coincidence but….
2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this?
It gets worse……..
next year……
2010 – Chinese year of the Co*k – what could possibly go wrong?
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’
She says, ‘I was in bed.’
‘In bed this early, doing what?’
‘Getting a second opinion!’
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Why is it that a girl with the least principle gets the most interest?
As a staff nurse doing a shift on an orthopedic ward I was looking over the student nurses documentation to counter sign. She has been looking after a man who had knee replacement surgery and an operation on both wrists for carpel tunnel syndrome. Prior to his op the man had difficulty in eating his dinner and cutting up his food.
His mobility was greatly affected and he have severe difficulty in bending his knees.
Students are encouraged to write concise reports rather than big long stories. Her report read as follows.
Mr Brown 6th post op day was able to mobilize to the toilet independently, bend at the knees and eat himself!!!
She did explain later he had managed his lunch without assistance.
The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit in a forest and each organisation has a go at catching it.
The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations, the FBI concludes that the rabbit does not exist.
The CIA goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies, stating the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit ! I ‘m a rabbit !"
Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.
An actuary is like an accountant but without the personality.
A little known fact…
The first t**cular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important !
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "There’s no charge."
We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.
"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’"