The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word ‘service’.

  • Internal Revenue ‘Service’
  • Postal ‘Service’
  • Telephone ‘Service’
  • Cable ‘Service’
  • Civil ‘Service’
  • Customer ‘Service’
  • State, City & County Public ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘service’ a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those ‘service’ agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

When I was based in Japan in 1953, a couple of my mates and I were showing a new arrival around Iwakuni. He was an RAAF signaller who was a Japanese linguist. One of the US Navy wives from the base was walking toward us. She was very attractive and was what we called in those days, “a sweater girl”. ie. she was “stacked. She was wearing a tight white sleeveless sweater with two Japanese characters on the left front. After we had passed her, the signaller burst out laughing. He said the writing on her sweater, in colloquial Japanese, spelled “Left Tit”. I wonder if anyone ever told her.

Real story

It was my birthday and a little girl in my class brought in a present for me. “So did you pick this lovely gift or did Mummy?” I asked her. “Nobody,” she replied proudly. “Mummy said it was just some old thing lying around the house that she was given for Christmas and that I could give it to you!”

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started….

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln’s cry. “Kemosabe… Apache to East!” he whispered.

The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. “What do we do?”

Tonto pondered a moment. “We ride West!”

After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. “Kemosabe… Apache to West!”

The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. “What should we do?”

Tonto scratched his head in thought. “We ride North!”

After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. “Kemosabe… Apache to North!”

“What do we do now?” his companion asked.

Without hesitation, Tonto replied, “We ride South!”

Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. “Kemosabe… Apache to South!”

Worried, the Lone One asked him, “NOW what do we do?”

Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. “What do you mean “WE”, White Man?”

Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him. For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.”

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said. “That’s odd,” the neighbor replied, “so does mine.”

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to An upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle Of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children Became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six- year-old piped up, “Mom usually Drinks a lot more than that!”

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.

“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk tech- nician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?
A. “Nice belt!”

“And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do.” –Jay Leno

“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” -Sam Levenson

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg

“Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?” -Conan O’Brien

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.”Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity.”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife.” One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'”

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force – The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?”

“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”