A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What’s wrong?" he asked.
The boy said, "I can’t get along with your wife."
One day, a New Zealander on holiday in London walked into a curio shop. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.
"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and £100 for the story that goes with it."
"I’ll take the cat," says the tourist, "but you can keep the story."
The transaction completed, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.
By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of cats several blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the Thames River.
Clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the curio shop.
"Ah, so you’ve come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Australian."
You are suffering from what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It’s not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)…yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all…he’s a married man!"
After a torrential rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his brother by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
‘Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!’ she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
‘We were just playing ‘church’ mummy,’ he said. ‘And I was just baptizing him … … in the name of the Father, the Son and in … the hole-he-goes.’
An Israeli doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’
A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’
An Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra , and soon about half the country will be looking for work.’
I reckon airports should have a room allocated to atheists so they can go there and not pray.
No One Could Ever Dream Up A Story Like This One.. As a young piper in Newfoundland, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch,but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I’d never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.I closed the lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, ‘Lard Jeezuz b’y, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.’
A lady went to the doctor and said ‘my husband thinks he’s a refrigerator’.
The doctor said "don’t worry he’ll get over it".
She said, " It’s not that", she said, "when he’s asleep with his mouth open, the little light in there keeps me awake!"
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked Up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I Would like to buy some cyanide.’
The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things Will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’
As a special treat, my partner took our 2 kids to see the stage show of Wicked. It was a late night for our 6 & 10 year old girls… I collected them in the car and on the way home, our very tired 6 year old was trying to remember which day she had to do "Show & Tell" so that she could report on Wicked….. "I cannot remember which day it is but it has ‘Day’ in it’s name….."
What followed was an annoyed 10 year old trying to explain that all days have days in their names…
She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, "Grow your own dope."
How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient.
Then I noticed the rest of her message… "Plant a man."