You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!
- How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It. - How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way. - How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath - What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam! - What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids - What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A Stick
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38! (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.’
‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!
Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: ‘Gosh, I remember these!’
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO told him, “Wait right here.” He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
Vegetarian – ancient word for poor hunting skills
Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”
“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course, “slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”
“A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong. I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here: Kids, never share your pot with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.” -Conan O’Brien
“That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. “I get two weeks’ paid holiday.”
“I’m so glad,” said my mother.
“Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they send me.”
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings.
“My brother takes karate lessons,” bragged one.
“My sister takes gymnastics,” said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, “My sister takes antibiotics!”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Essex … With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:-
‘I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humour!’
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, ‘You stay out of this mate! I’m talking to that little rat on your lap!’