Q. What’s the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
A. Weeders Digest.
Q. What do ghosts like about tall buildings?
A. They have got lots of scare cases.
Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Do you think he saw us!
Q. What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A. A jelly baby.
Q. Why did the turkey join in the band?
A. Because it had the drumsticks!
Q. What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
A. His hoe hoe hoe!
Q. What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Q. What would you get if all the cars in Australia were red?
A. A red carnation.
Q. What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A. A centipede with sore feet!
Q. How do you start a teddy bear race?
A. Ready teddy go!
Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A. A woolly jumper!
Q. What do you call a lazy skeleton?
A. Bone idle!
Q. Where do fish wash?
A. In the river basin!
Q. What do you call a fairy who hasn’t had a wash for a week?
A. Stinkerbell!
Q. What has a pelican got in common with the Water company?
A. They both have large bills!
Q. What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
A. Tarzi pan.
Q. How can you stop a rhino from charging?
A. Take away it’s credit cards!
Q. What do snowmen have for supper?
A. Iceburgers!
Q. Why do bakers work so hard?
A. Because they need the dough!
When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, ‘YOU’RE NEXT’.
They stopped that rubbish after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.
"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch this?"
Last year I entered the Melbourne Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies. Brunette, by the way!!
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
I have just read yet another article on the dangers of heavy drinking
It really scared me
So that’s it
After today, no more reading!!
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted".
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. So ……?
- Why does lemon juice contain artificial colours and flavours, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
- If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
- How come ‘cured’ bacon is from a pig that died?
- How would you supervise a submarine race?