Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back."
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
- The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
- Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
- Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
- A dog’s parents never visit.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
- You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
- Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
- Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
- A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
- If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
- Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
- If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’
Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’
Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT’S A SCARF!"
"Obama held his first news conference today, as president- elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense." -Jimmy Kimmel
A definition of golf
An ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.
A nice story – will make you appreciate family . . …
however for most of us, it’s too late!
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. ‘And always remember this thing,’
she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’
‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.
She answered in her soft Scottish voice. ‘Makes your d i c k look bigger.’
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside For a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled.
There was no arriving general — we had almost played for the weather forecast. — David Yost
Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Student: "A teacher."
There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn’t happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.
About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."
"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I’m getting to where I only have to work half a day."
"Wow, that’s pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."
"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn’t matter which twelve hours you work."
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
Quote of the Week ‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.’ Thomas Jefferson 1802