"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla."
—Jim Bishop
"Scientists have developed a car that can run on water. The only problem is that the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno
A mother was driving with her three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of them stood up and waved.. She was stark n*ked!
As the mother was reeling from the shock, she heard her 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..’
An elderly gentleman….
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied,
‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my Wife’s voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I’ll have chicken."
She replied, "You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat."
"Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘What’s New Pussycat?’
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’"
Saw this sign on a shop in our local shopping centre:
Japanese Glossary Store Opening Soon
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,”Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie.”
She replied, “Awe Jock, that’s nice, are ye taking me tae the pub with ye?”
“Naw, I’m switching the heat aff while I’m oot” he replied.