Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O’Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn’t you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ he’s only speaking to the groom." -David Gunter
Right before Christmas our 4 year old son, Nathan – ok, he’ll be 5 on March 3rd 09, surprised us at the dinner table with this one:
"How did the crocodile eat the brick?"
… pause and use a slow, growling voice (as he did),
"With very sharp teeth and plenty of time!"
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
“But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I’ve tried that – it’s never worked."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’
Q: What goes cloak, cloak?
A: A Chinese toad.
I’ve just signed for parachute school. I asked the instructor, "How many jumps do I have to make successfully before I graduate?" He said: "All of them."
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin
My daughter has had a terrible time. First off she got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that she got rheumatism, and to top it off they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. Those primary school spelling tests are really hard these days.
I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.
The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes."
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency."
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 1)… from Anthony
- My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . ‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
- My mother taught me RELIGION. ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
- My mother taught me LOGIC. ‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’
- My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT. ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
- My mother taught me IRONY ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. ‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
- My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. ‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
- My mother taught me about STAMINA. ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
- My mother taught me about WEATHER. ‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
- My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. ‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’
This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don’t they?