A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’"
"The one positive outcome of the suffering economy is seven million fewer people than last year will be subjected to an office Christmas party." -Jimmy Kimmel
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his words—before approaching his beloved.
Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling,
I have waited many years to say this: Will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work for the day. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll."
Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn’t believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."
The daughter thinks for a minute and then replies, "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down."
One afternoon my mother went shopping and returned a few hours later with ten new dresses. "Ten!" Dad hollered. "What could any woman possibly want with ten new dresses?"
Mom replied in a calm voice: "Ten new pairs of shoes."
A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on the table. He has the biggest feet she has ever seen.
The woman asks the cowboy if it’s true what is said about men with big feet.
The cowboy says, "It sure is, why not come with me over to my place and let me prove it to you?"
She figures why not, and so she spends the night with him.
The next morning she hands him a $100.00 bill.
Blushing, he stammers, "I’m very flattered, ain’t nobody ever paid me for my services before."
To this the woman replied, "Well, don’t be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"
Christmas Riddles
Q. What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
A. Anything you want because he can?t hear you!
Q. What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
A. This one will sleigh you!
Q. How long should an elf’s legs be?
A. Just long enough to reach the ground!
Q. How do elves greet each other?
A. "Small world, isn’t it?"
Q. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
A. Horn-aments!
Q. What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
A. She’d go to a re-tail shop for a new one!
Q. Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him!
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
Q: Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A: Because They Have Big Fingers!
Q: What is the best hand to write with?
A: Neither – it’s best to write with a pen!