Got this email today and thought it was very good.
I know someone who could use a guide like this when they go out into town in Rotorua.
Hope you all have a great Christmas festive season and a prosperous new year. Don’t drink and drive and enjoy what fine weather we may have.
SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION |
|---|---|---|
Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
Feet warm and wet. | Improper bladder control. | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. |
Drink unusually pale and tasteless. | Glass empty. | Get someone to buy you another drink. |
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.. | You have fallen over backward. | Have yourself lashed to bar. |
Mouth contains cigarette butts. | You have fallen forward. | See above. |
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. |
Floor blurred. | You are looking through bottom of empty glass. | Get someone to buy you another drink. |
Floor moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. |
Room seems unusually dark. | Bar has closed. | Confirm home address with bartender. |
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. | Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. | Cover mouth. |
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. | You are dancing on the table. | Fall on somebody cushy-looking. |
Drink is crystal-clear. | It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. | Punch him. |
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. | You have been in a fight. | Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. |
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in. | You’ve wandered into the wrong party. | See if they have free alcohol. |
Your singing sounds distorted. | The drink is too weak. | Have more alcohol until your voice improves. |
Don’t remember the words to the song. | Drink is just right. | Play air guitar |