The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative.
Some university students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: ‘Shovel Off Two Buffaloes’ and ‘Honey, Suck a Rose.’"
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 98."
"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid." –P. J. O’Rourke
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the CASA Flight Operations Inspectors, and the CASA FOI arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.
"What’s that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, "but you’re gonna lose an engine on take-off.
"There is no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from."
In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"
Without a moment’s hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."
My wife came home from the doctor’s the other day and told me the doctor said she couldn’t make love. I’ve known this for years, but I want to know how he found out.
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his
collar:
"He lives in a home with eight children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
I was in Safeway the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.
I said to him, ‘Sorry about that I’m looking for my wife, and I really wasn’t paying attention to where I was going’.
The young man said, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’ I said, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy said, ‘Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?’
I said… ‘Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.’
Most of us Old Blokes are helpful like that.
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I’m sure you’re right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
My children have succeeded in driving their mother crazy.
So complete is their success that I find myself frequently uttering these once unthinkable words: "Honey, you need to get out. Go ahead, call a friend and escape for a while.
I’ll take care of these—things."
With that, she’s out the door in 2.5 minutes. She called me from her cell shortly thereafter, "Hi, Honey. What time would you like me home?"
"Anytime," I said. "Just have fun."
"OK," she said excitedly. "See you Sunday."
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"