Some petrol jokes…
Jay Leno: "After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts … regular, premium, and unleaded."
I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.
All in favor of conserving petrol, please raise your right foot.
I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, "Wife and 2 Cars to Feed."
For our holiday this summer, we’re thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said… "Quit your complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"
I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
A woman calls her lawyer and asks… "With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."
"And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
"Neither," says the women. "I just want to know if I can sue Fosters for all the ugly men I’ve slept with."
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ he said, ‘How much will you charge me?’
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?’
He responded, ‘That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?’
The wife replied, ‘You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.’
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. ‘You’re finished already?’ the startled husband asked.
‘Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.’
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
‘And by the way, ‘ the blonde added,
‘ it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.’
The Archbishop of Canterbury has finally got his way . . ..
British weather has been declared Muslim . . .
It’s partly Sunni, but mostly Shi’ite.
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." –Gene Perret.
A Sheriff ambles in to the local saloon & says. ‘I’m lookin’ frrr the Brown Paper Bandit’. The saloon owner asks ‘What does he look like?’ ‘He’s got a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, brown paper clothes & a brown paper horse’ The Saloon Owner asks ‘What’s he wanted frrr? The Sherrif replies ‘Rustlin’
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you’re 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
‘Housework’ ‘I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible…
‘Aging’ ‘Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.’