True story…
I was just reading the local paper. The article I was looking at was titled “Unwanted dogs dumped”. It was written by David Catt!
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck I’ve had today! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight problem. Every time I want s e x, she says, “Wait.” —Rodney Dangerfield
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?” The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
“DAMNIT this one is barefoot too!!
“The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.” —John Paul Getty
I found this grouse Aussie Summer poem and thought it might be a comfort to you.
It was to me and it’s very well written; I hope you enjoy it because it’s the best piece of English literature I’ve seen in quite a while….
‘An Aussie Summer ‘ a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre F- _k, It’s HOT !
“According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be- tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush commented on this today, he said, ‘Why do we need our kids to find the U.S. on a map? They’re already here.'” -Jay Leno
My broker called me this morning and said, “Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 65?”
“Yes, I remember,” I said.
“Well,” my broker continued, “your retirement age is now 108.”
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long- term capital gain?”
After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish Archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: “English Archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.”
One week later, “The Kerryman,” a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O’Droll, a self taught Archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.”
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’ One bright little girl replied, ‘Because some people are sleeping.’
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.
If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”
My wife came home from the doctor’s the other day and told me the doctor said she couldn’t make love. I’ve known this for years, but I want to know how he found out.
A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider’s web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.
Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man’s attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, “Jim………..my.”
The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, “Paddy.”
This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, “Scottish.”
The second man replied, “Irish.”
Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.
Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, “Glasgow.”
Paddy whispered back, “Dublin.”
This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.
“Cancer”, said Jim.
“…Sagittarius,” replied Paddy.