A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?"
"You shall know tonight", he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
The quip about warning signs re. unattended children reminded me of my No.2 daughter’s sense of humour. Some years ago she was manager of a wine shop. She had a couch and some chairs in the middle of the shop where people could sit and taste. She found she had to put up a discrete little sign saying "At great expense we have trained our furniture not to jump on your children". The behaviour of children (or should that be parents?) improved markedly after that!
Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn’t find a thing for her grandson.
"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.
"No, that’s not it," she said.
We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.
"This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."
I have to tell you this one! At work one day I came across a customer who used to live at Ploding Place in Sydney. Quick as a flash my colleague said, he’s ex-ploding place!
My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, ‘What in the name of good GOD are you doing?’
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’
I jumped down and walked out of the office…
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ‘..And where do you think you’re going?!’
She said, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark
En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.
"Excuse me. That can’t be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we’re over the ocean—you won’t get a signal out here."
"That’s okay," she said. "I’m just calling my daughter. She’s sitting up in first class."
A farmer wanted to breed from his old sow, so put her in his wheelbarrow to take her around to his neighbour who had a boar. They let them run together for a while and then he loaded her up to take her home. "How will I Know if it has worked", the farmer said to the neighbour. "When you wake up in the morning, look out of the bedroom window, if she’s rolling in the grass you know it has worked, but if she is wallowing in the mud you know it hasn’t."
So the next morning the farmer jumped out of bed and looked out the window, but was disappointed to see the pig wallowing in the mud. So he loaded her up in the wheelbarrow again and took her around to his neighbour’s and let her run with his neighbour’s boar for a second time. Next morning he jumped out of bed and looked out of the window, but there the pig was wallowing in the mud again.
Disappointed, he thought he would give it one last try. So he loaded the pig into the wheelbarrow and took her around to run with the neighbour’s boar for the third time. In the morning he couldn’t bear to look out of the window, so asked his wife to look out instead. "Is she wallowing in the mud again?" he asked. "No" said the wife.
"Don’t tell me she’s rolling in the grass?" he replied. " No" said the wife. "Well, what is she doing then?" the farmer asked. His wife replied "sitting in the wheelbarrow!"
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windscreen wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a parking ticket from a police officer, along with this note:
"I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"
Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"
"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid’s chain. "You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: "You’re fun to hang around with."
Q: What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweethearts!
Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
A: It was Valenswine’s Day!
Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine’s Day?
A: "I find you very attractive."
Q: What country makes you shiver?
A: Chile.
Q: What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A: A piano.