Stress Buster No. 14.
Be optimistic
This means expecting the most favourable result from your own actions.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night she seemed upset.
“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.
“I had to slap his face three times!”
“You mean he got fresh?”
“No,” she answered, “I thought he was dead.”
“I took a course in speed reading and was able to read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.” —Woody Allen
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid Says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
The second kid replies, “Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Brown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Brown.”
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Brown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Alright then.” And the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Alright then.” And the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of rum. He drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?”
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his kilt and says, “Secret Service.”
These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.
As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, “I’m fat.”
“No, you’re not,” the other scolded.
“My hair is awful.”
“It’s lovely.”
“I’ve never looked worse,” she whined.
“Yes, you have,” her friend replied.
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you’re drunk than to think you’re stupid.
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
THINGS MUM WOULD NEVER, EVER SAY
- “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
- “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
- “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”
- “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week”
- “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”
- “Well, if Rahul’s mamma says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
- “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
- “I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”
- “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve”
Jay Leno: “After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts … regular, premium, and unleaded.”
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes…. “Taa-Daa!”
Vincent Van Gogh was standing at the corner of the bar in his local pub when his mate Rembrandt walked in.
“Fancy a whiskey, Van Gogh?” called out Rembrandt.
“No, its okay”, said Van Gogh, “I’ve got one ear.”
A father asked his 12-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. When I was eight, You hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy speech.'”
“If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
Pity the man who isn’t aware of these vital elements of female communication.
When a woman is addressing her partner, the following definitions apply:-
- She says FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and he needs to shut up.
- She says FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if he has just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
- She says NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and he should be on his toes. Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’ usually end in “Fine”.
- She says GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.
- She gives a LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks he is an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with him over “Nothing”.
- She says THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when he will pay for his mistake.
- She says THANKS: A woman is thanking him. Do not question it or faint. Just say “you’re welcome”.