One of the most successful inventors of all time was the man who invented the hay-bailing machine. Needless to say, he made a bundle.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last night it took four policemen and a dog.
Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It’s the wife," said Maurie. "As you know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s been playing she’s cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner, "she’s cut some of us out altogether."
My child (5) has been learning the National Anthem at school. I was listening to him sing at the top of his voice “Our land abounds in nature strips of beauty rich and rare”
I tried not to laugh but Australia really is a land of “nature strips”
A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A Christchurch earthquake story …
This one was told to me by a mother of three children. At the time of the earthquake on 4th September she ran in to her eldest daughter’s room (who is 9) but was unaware that their 5 year old daughter had decided to sleep the night with her older sister. Being dark, unwittingly she left the five year old in the bed while the older sister simply climbed over her sleeping sister – and said no more.
When they finally re-grouped after the initial shaking was over, they discovered the missing five year old still asleep in the bed. Their four year son exclaimed to his slightly older sister that she had "slept through the earthquake" – to which she exclaimed, "I can count up to 200!"
Despite her "mother guilt" for overlooking her daughter in a ‘major earthquake’, instead, the youngster appeared more concerned about the opinion of her little brother!
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. “Polo, I’m the one with the hole” she said with a Wispa. “I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts” he replied. He touched her Crème Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flapjacks and she rubbed his Tick Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his sherbet dib-dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he screws Allsorts!
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work all the way from Japan with the news of my grandchild’s birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.
"I’m a grandmother!" I declared. "It’s a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds."
"When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
Until last week I had never wanted a traffic light to remain red for longer!
I had stopped, waiting to turn right, when I heard a very loud thump behind me on the other side of the road. Looking over my shoulder, I saw a silver car stopping at the bottom of the hill. A tall woman in a suit climbed out, inspected the large dent in her boot and stormed up the hill, waving her arms and shouting at a nervous young surfer in a ute.
He was bravely walking down the hill to face her when he heard a noise behind him. He had forgotten to put on his handbreak and his car was rolling towards him. He tried to dive into it but had also left the driver’s door open. The door bumped him onto the road and the ute was heading towards the same car it had hit a minute before when my light went green and I had to go! I laughed all the way home. So glad it wasn’t me!
I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I’ve lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What’s he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
A man was talking to his doctor. "Listen doc, I heard that you were compassionate towards helping a person out that is in pain and suffering. I heard that you could give a shot to euthanize and relieve all that."
The doctor said, "I can perform that service if the pain and suffering is too unbearable for the patient. How long have you been suffering?"
"Twenty years doc." said the man.
"Ok, it sounds like you want out of your misery." said the doctor.
"Great!" said the man, "My wife is in the waiting room, can you put her down now?"
Q: Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
A: Sunday. Monday is a weekday.
Q: What does an envelope say when you lick it?
A: Nothing. It just shuts up.
Q: What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
A: No thanks, I’m stuffed!
Q: Where did the king keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies.