Blond on a cruise ship
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship – all my best dresses and make-up… Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today – seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 2,600 lives. Twice.
I teach Kindergarten and my class went to music last week.
The teacher stood up and hurt her back. One of the kids in my class said "my mum can fix your back". She asked how come. He said "She’s a Chirocractor". So cute.
Ethyl was talking to her hair stylist. "It’s silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."
"What do you mean?" the beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she’d be balled soon."
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on marriage and family values. Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
After being married for 48 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Honey, 48 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 24-year-old gal. Now I have a $900,000.00 home, two cars, nice big bed and flat screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 71-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 24-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis…
"I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." –Sting
"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." –Frank Leahy
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." –Oscar Levy
"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis." –Margaret Bonnano
Two old men meet while tottering around the park on their morning constitutional.
"Irving, how are you?" asks one, patting his friend on the arm.
"Terrible, terrible," mutters Irving. "My memory’s going.
For instance, I can’t remember whether it was you or your brother who died."
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her brea-ts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’
He said, ‘I found the remote’.
An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce.
The solicitor asks, "Does he beat you?"
"No, sorr."
"Does he keep you short of money?"
"No, sorr."
"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"
"No, sorr."
"Is he unfaithful to you?"
"Ah, we’ve got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child."
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital.
"How are things at the office going, Claudia?" she asked.
"Well, they’re all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Cathy is making it with the boss."
Q: Why was the amoeba prison so small?
A: Because it only had one cell.
Q: How is a cat drinking milk like a track star?
A: They both enjoy taking a few laps.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
Q.What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A.Snowballs