When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive……………….
So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!
Why did the guru refuse novocaine? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.
The Russian soldier said, “Get out of the car and open the trunk!”
The American replied, “I’m sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can’t take my foot off the brake or it’ll roll back down the hill.”
So the Russian says, “Do you take me for a FOOL?!” as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.
“Now, go and open the trunk!”
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car.
“Now”, shouts the Russian from inside the car, “Is there any contraband in there?”
Blonde Jokes
Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why do blondes have “TGIF” on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was that worth the trouble you’re in?”
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?” she says “What makes them so special?” “There are three colours”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze”..
“What colour are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly.
The wife responds, “Why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!!
Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.
They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.
They called them ferrous wheels.
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, “Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?”
“No, dear, not at all,” he replied, “Our house isn’t blue.”
Things You’d Love to Say at Work, but Can’t
- Ahhh… I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
- I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
- I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
- I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
- I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
- It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don’t give a damm.
- I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
- What am I?, Flypaper for freaks?
- I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
- It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- Do I look like a people person?
- I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- You sound resonable… time to up the medication.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- Who me?… I just wander from room to room.
The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems.”
The chief nodded. The official continued, “What do you think of all the white man has done?” The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.”
The chief paused, then added, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”
“A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change.” –Jay Leno
Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.