“Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” –Rita Rudner
An elderly man in Queensland owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he’d planted some mangoes and avocado trees. It was a beautiful spot. He had the dam done up, made it deep enough for swimming and put some picnic tables down, where he could sit in the shade.
One evening the farmer decided he would go down to the dam. It was a nice sunny evening, with a beautiful Queensland sunset. He decided he would have a look at the dam. He took a 10-litre bucket so he could go down and pick some fruit and bring it back up to the house.
As he came down towards the dam he could hear some laughing. And as he approached, he became aware of the presence of women in the dam. This became quite a concern to him, because the young women were actually skinny-dipping in his dam.
Of course, being a gentleman, he made the women aware of his presence. And the women moved to the deep end of the dam. One of the women shouted out, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned. He said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked, or to get you out of the dam naked.” Holding the bucket up, he said, “I’m actually just down here to feed the crocodiles.”
The moral of the story: old men may walk slowly, but they think fast.
Question: How do you know if you’re a pirate?
Answer: You just arrrrr!
A woman’s husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that “there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000.”
The friend asks, “How can that be?”
The widow says, “Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church — that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks — you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
The friend says, “$22,500 for the memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?”
The widow says, “Four and a half carats.”
“They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, which is a good thing to remember the next time you get lonely.” –Fred Stoller
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long- term capital gain?”
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes involuntarily followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was that worth the trouble you’re in?”
After hearing Jennifer commenting about Great Musicals yesterday I thought I’d add this little piece. To commemorate her 69th Birthday, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music hall. One of the musical numbers she performed was “My Favourite Things” with the deliberately changed lyrics for her “blue hair” audience.
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string; These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac’s and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses
Poli dent and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, when the bones creak, when the knees go bad I simply remember my favourite things, And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinnin’, Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin’, And we wont mention out short shrunken frames, When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips break, when the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I’ve had, And then I don’t feel so bad.
Julie received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over 4 minutes and repeated encores.
A woman asked her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?” she asks.
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?” she inquires.
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
He declines again. “Naw, still not hungry”
“Well,” she says, “would you mind letting me up?
I’m starving!”
I went to the N Z Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, “A folding bottle.”
She said,”Okay, what do you call it?”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?”
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” asked the bewildered guy.
The girl replied, “That’s me before the surgery.