Q. Why was Roberto Benigni the last Italian to be nominated for an Academy Award?
A. Because all the best Italian actors are on the soccer field. …. Bill Fagan… letters to The Age
“Every government is run by liars and nothing they say should be believed.” — I.F. Stone
Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
“President Bush is in Austria. I don’t think president Bush really knows geography. Before he left he said to Cheney he would bring him back a boomerang. I think he gets confused.” –Jay Leno
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. “If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”
“I’d have to say the living one.”
Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.
“My wife is mad at me again,” says the first.
“Why?”
“I was bombed at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me.”
“What’d you do?”
“I asked her for her phone number.”
Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good.
But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, “I don’t know about this. We’ve been out here all day and haven’t caught a single duck. Do you think we’re doing something wrong
“I don’t know,” replied the other. “Maybe we’re not throwing the dog high enough.”
Q. What is the difference between a British Airways jet and a pom?
A. The jet stops whining once it reaches Australia
“We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.” –Gene Perret
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Alright then” and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum.
The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of rum. He drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?”
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his kilt and says, “Secret Service.”
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. “Why are you using our telephone,” he yelled. “Why aren’t you talking on your own telephone?”
“I can’t,” she said, “I’m expecting an important call on my phone.”
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from university and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
THINGS THE MOVIES TAUGHT YOU… part 2
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving
- You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.
Michael, what would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”
Deja Moo: The feeling you’ve heard this B.S. before.
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the man, “that is so good, I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Irish whiskey?” asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.” Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “‘Tis nectar of the gods!” stated the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?” With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”