We live in country Victoria. A couple of weeks ago it actually rained nearly all day. My 6 year old boy couldn’t believe it and with wide eyes asked “Do we even own rain coats?” Unfortunately, it hasn’t rained since.
“I was in McDonald’s and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, ‘Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those!'” –Laura Silverman
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn’t stop until you get to the office. —Robert Frost
“In a recent speech, California Governor Arnold Schwarzen- egger told his audience, ‘don’t believe the platitudes of a politician.’ Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, ‘Don’t believe the platypus of a bad optician.'” -Conan O’Brien
A reporter goes to Jerusalem, having heard that a man had been praying at the Wailing Wall for 40 years. He did this every day at 11 o’clock. “Have you really been here every day?” asked the reporter. “Of course. Without continuity, the power of prayer is weakened,” replied the old man. “What do you pray for?”
“Well, peace in the world, end of hostilities in Iraq, calm in Afghanistan, brotherhood between Israel and Palestine, the end of global warming and so on.” “At the risk of being impertinent, you don’t seem to have been very successful,” suggested the intrepid reporter.
“I know,” said the old man. “Sometimes I think I am talking to a brick wall.”
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted….”Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said…”where???”
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, “Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?”
“Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his back.”
While travelling to the Great Wall our Bejing tour guide was puzzled. She cannot understand why all the Australian tourists ask how many rabbits they are going to see at the Wall.
One woman was talking to her friend, “You should listen to my neighbor,” she says. “She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that’s so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about about him?”
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, “Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen.”
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, “You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word.”
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she’s in love.
Hillary said, “You didn’t have sex, did you?”
Chelsea said, “Not according to Dad.”
Working on the BBQ at the local show today, I overheard a customer saying to one of the other volunteers:
“No, I don’t eat red meat, I want a steakette (minced beef & seasoning patty).”
So, I guess if it is not red meat, all the vegetarians are probably safe eating steakettes too!
“Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.” —Jimmy DeMaret
“You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn’t it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends.” —Scott Ostler
Did you hear about the baby seal that walked into a club?
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said, “I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.” The Arabs asked, “What are Commandments?” And the Lord said, “They are rules for living.” “Can you give us an example?” “Thou shall not kill.” “Not kill? We’re not interested.”
So He went to the Blacks and said, “I have Commandments.” The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Honor thy Father and Mother.” “Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.”
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, “I have Commandments.” The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said “Thou shall not steal.” “Not steal? We’re not interested.”
Then He went to the French and said, “I have Commandments.” The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, “Thou shall not commit adultery.” “Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.”
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, “I have Commandments.” “Commandments?” They said, “How much are they?” “They’re free.” “We’ll take 10.”
“While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make- up mirror to see what time it was.” –Unknown
“Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” –Rita Rudner
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. “When did you first notice the leak?” the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. “Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”