A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder."
My students were writing about their weekends when one little boy asked me how to spell Dave. I sounded it out for him and said it had to have a capital ‘D’ because it was a name. The boy then told me it wasn’t a name. I said it was short for David. He still disagreed, so I asked him to tell me what he was trying to write.
In his cute little voice he declared, "I dave my dad a present for his birthday."
In handwriting we were concentrating on the letter ‘M’. I always try to use the names of students in my class in the sentences, so we wrote, ‘ Melissa marched with Mary Poppins at Merrylands.’ ( A suburb of Sydney) "Merry means happy," I added.
"That’s why that lady with the umbrella is called MERRY Poppins!" one boy announced knowingly.
On a blind date, the girl said to the boy, "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."
The boy was very flattered.
What the girl had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
I am a palliative care nurse.
TRUE STORY: Gentleman on trolley at palliative care reception… being re-admitted:
"I’ve been DYING to get here" (to peals of laughter from staff!)
Keep up the good work. Humour is a definite survival tool where we work!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
‘ Hello ? ‘ ‘Is your daddy home?’
‘ Yes, he’s out in the garden ,’ whispered the small voice. ‘May I talk with him?’ The child whispered, ‘ No .’ ;
So the boss asked, ‘Well, is your Mommy there?’ ‘ Yes, she’s out in the garden too ‘& The boss asked; ‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ‘ No .’
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody elsethere?’ ‘ Yes ,’ whispered the child, ‘ a policeman.. ‘
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’ ‘ No, he’s busy , ‘ whispered the child. ‘Busy doing what?’ ‘ Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ‘
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’ ‘ It’s a helicopter ‘ answered the whispering voice. ‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
‘ The search team just landed a helicopter ‘ ‘A search team?’ said the boss. ‘What are they searching for?’ Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle….
‘ ME ‘ !!!
"Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say one thing. It’s nice to see young women stealing money without the help of divorce lawyers." -Craig Ferguson
"President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map." -Jimmy Kimmel
As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.
"I don’t have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won’t let me."
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘Cathy’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’
She replied with a snicker. ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That’s a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone’s way?"
"No," he replied, "it’s parked in the wrong driveway."
The first note on the scale is Doh
And after doh comes Re
(Rae used to be a girlfriend of mine)
And after Rae comes Me
and after Me comes her father
then you can only get So Fa.
But when you’ve got dough
It leaves Rae and Me on the Sofa
Q: What is the best hand to write with?
A: Neither – it’s best to write with a pen!
Q: What was the gangsters last words?
A: Who put that violin in my violin case!
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.